Okay so like, grab your iced latte and buckle your seatbelt, because the 2026 FIFA World Cup is literally about to be that girl… and Canada is kinda, sorta, maybe entering her main-character era??? And yes, this is also the same World Cup that got inspired to invent a fake “Trump Peace Prize”, so like… the energy is already chaotic. Love that for us!
So Canada — World No. 27 — is in Group B, which is giving “slightly scary but like… we can work with it.” Switzerland is ranked 17th and totally vibes with “annoyingly disciplined,” Qatar is 51st and totally beatable, and then there’s the mystery UEFA playoff winner: Italy, Northern Ireland, Wales, or Bosnia. And Canada plays that team in Toronto for its opening match, which is basically destiny-level drama.
Experts Paul Attfield and Cathal Kelly spilled the tea, and babe… it was piping. Like, for the overall World Cup, the usual hot people are favoured: Argentina, France, Spain, England — you know, the countries that treat football like a religion. Spain is giving “youthful glow-up,” Argentina is still in its Messi era, and England is like, soooo overdue that even the universe is probably like, “fine, take one.” And then there’s Ecuador being a chaotic but fab underdog.
Meanwhile, there’s kinda-sorta a “Group of Death,” but honestly with 48 teams now, it’s more giving “Group of Mild Inconvenience.” Still, France + Senegal + Norway + a playoff winner? Spicy.
But let’s get to what the cool girls (us) care about: Canada.
Like, can we win a match? Can we actually get out of the group? Or will we do the cute thing we usually do where we’re like “ohhhh we learned so much” and then go home? Experts say: beating Italy (if it’s Italy) is basically Canada’s entire personality now. Like, if Canada wins that first game, GIRL, the country will lose its mind. It would be giving “Stan Twitter meltdown,” “Starbucks line screaming,” “the CN Tower lighting up like a disco stick.” And honestly? I want that.
But Canada’s roster is low-key walking through its hospital era. Alphonso Davies just came back from his ACL injury, and like, babe, speed is literally his whole brand. Is he gonna be the same lightning bolt or more like… a well-lit flashlight? We don’t know yet. Then there’s Alistair Johnston and Moise Bombito, also injured. Like, can someone bubble-wrap our defenders? Please???
BUT! Canada does have players in Europe’s top leagues, plus Champions League appearances from Jonathan David, Tajon Buchanan, Tani Oluwaseyi and Promise David. That’s like… serious “we’re not just here for the snacks” energy.
If Italy joins Canada’s group, the experts think Canada finishes with 4 points — beating Qatar (duh), drawing Italy (chaotic but possible), and losing to Switzerland (very on brand). But because the tournament is now basically a participation award (eight third-place teams go through), Canada could still totally sneak into the knockouts and face like… the U.S. or Germany. Which is giving “mmm maybe not” but also “iconic if we pull it off.”
Hosting-wise, Canada is throwing 10 games, and honestly? They might be weirdly fun. Germany vs Ivory Coast? Yes queen. Egypt vs New Zealand? Mo Salah supremacy. Senegal vs Bolivia or Suriname? Literally UFC in cleats.
And the cost? Toronto expects $380 million, Vancouver also threw money, and everyone’s like “is this corrupt??” Girl, it’s FIFA. If you’re allergic to corruption you can only watch kindergarten relay races.
Final vibe check? Canada could totally have a moment. But the assignment is simple: beat Italy, don’t embarrass yourself, and channel main-character energy. If we do that? Bestie… anything is possible.
XOXO,
Valley Girl News
Reporting live from my couch, where hope is free and expectations are low.
