Okay babes, like grab your pumpkin spice latte because this one is straight-up reality TV meets democracy. Pierre P. — yes, that Pierre, the Conservative leader who flopped in April harder than a cheap eyelash in a rainstorm — is trying to claw his way back into Parliament. And guess what? He’s doing it by parachuting into Alberta’s Battle River-Crowfoot, which is like the Fort Knox of Conservative ridings. We’re talking 83% of votes going blue last time. Honestly, the Tories could’ve run a pair of cowboy boots and still won.
So why is Pierre P. even there? Well, because his Ottawa seat ghosted him. Big yikes. And instead of, like, earning another riding, local MP Damien Kurek literally “volunteered” to step aside like a guy offering the last slice of pizza — except he swears he’ll be back for the next general election. Hun, that’s not retirement, that’s just lending your boyfriend the car for the weekend.
But plot twist: this isn’t just about Pierre P.’s personal comeback tour. His big bad by-election numbers will totally shape whether he survives a January leadership review. Imagine your entire career depending on how many Albertans scribble your name on a sheet of paper between feeding cows and gas prices. If he doesn’t crush it? Cue the leadership vultures circling with knives sharper than a Sephora contour stick.
And babes — the ballot itself? Literal chaos. Like, Elections Canada was served a prank so spicy it broke the system. Instead of a cute little list of candidates, voters are being handed BLANK WRITE-IN BALLOTS because over 214 names got dumped on the ballot. Welcome to the “Longest Ballot Committee,” a group of prankster-turned-electoral-reform-nerds who decided the best way to protest politicians controlling election law was to bury voters in names. Remember when the Rhinoceros Party promised to repeal gravity? Yeah, this is like that, but with way less fun and way more Excel spreadsheets.
Pierre P. calls the whole thing “a scam.” Others call it democracy cosplay. Honestly, it’s giving chaotic neutral energy. Elections Canada basically short-circuited like a robot from a 1960s sci-fi flick — “does not compute… too… many… candidates” — and boom, everyone has to write in Pierre P.’s name if they want him back. Spoiler: if your handwriting looks like mine after bottomless mimosas, good luck.
Meanwhile, local challengers are trying to shade Pierre P. as a “parachute candidate.” Independent army vet Bonnie Critchley basically said, “we deserve representation, not stunts.” Ouch. The Liberals tossed in an oil exec, the NDP went with Katherine Swampy, and the People’s Party dusted off Jonathan Bridges. Cute, but none of them are touching that 80% blue wall. This is Pierre P.’s game to lose — and if he does? Girl, January is gonna be messy.
And like, can we talk about the sheer drama of more than 200 nobodies being signed up by literally ONE guy, Tomas Szuchewycz, who’s the “official agent” for 201 of them? That’s not political organizing — that’s giving “I had one too many Red Bulls and opened 201 tabs.” All it would take is a one-line law change to stop this circus, but until then, Elections Canada is basically letting democracy be punk’d.
So here’s the tea: Pierre P. will probably waltz back into Parliament on Sept. 15 with Alberta’s blessing. But whether his own party loves him enough to keep him after January? Totally TBD. Until then, Battle River-Crowfoot is serving us Canada’s weirdest ballot — part parody, part protest, and full-on election fanfiction.
XOXO,
Valley Girl News
Where democracy shows up in drag with 214 names on its ballot.
