So, babes, buckle up, because Capitol Hill basically turned into the world’s messiest group chat, and the receipts are public. Congress — yes, the same Congress that can barely agree on lunch — just came together in a near-unanimous “we’re DONE with the secrets” moment and voted to force the Department of Justice to release every last investigative file on Jeffrey Epstein. And honestly? This is, like, such a major win for the victims… and, like, a very not-cute, super tragic vibe for Donald Trump, who has been fighting this release harder than he fights humidity.
The Epstein Files Transparency Act passed the House 427-1, which is basically Congress screaming “bestie, we WANT the drama.” Then the Senate looked at the chaos and was like, “same,” passing it unanimously in just hours. Now the bill is sitting on Trump’s desk like, “hi, sign me,” while the DOJ is eyeing a loophole like it’s a Black Friday sale. Because if there’s an active investigation? The DOJ can totally keep things sealed. And guess who ordered a brand-new investigation into Democrats last week? Yeah. That part.
Here’s why this is, like, SUCH a cosmic plot twist: Trump spent months trying to kill this bill. Like, he went full dragon mode — breathing fire, making calls, dragging allies — all to stop it from reaching the floor. But then the e-mails dropped last week. The e-mails where Epstein literally said Trump “knew about the girls” and spent “hours” with one of the victims. Suddenly Congress was like: oh, we’re voting NOW.
Even wilder? This whole saga has turned MAGA into a messy public breakup. You’ve got Marjorie Taylor Greene, Lauren Boebert, and Nancy Mace — normally Trump ride-or-dies — signing the discharge petition with Democrats like it’s a unity tour. MTG even said fighting over the files has “ripped MAGA apart,” which is honestly the most dramatic thing since she tried to beef with Taylor Swift.
And don’t even get me started on the White House Situation Room tea. Trump literally had Lauren Boebert summoned — like some kind of national security emergency — to pressure her into killing the bill. Pam Bondi, the Attorney-General, was there too, acting like the Epstein files were nuclear launch codes. But it didn’t work. The girls said nope.
One of Epstein’s victims, Jena-Lisa Jones, even addressed Trump directly: “Please stop making this political. It is not about you… You are our president. Please start acting like it.” And honestly? That line deserves its own place in history. Like, embroider it on a pillow.
Meanwhile, the documents Congress released last week also show Epstein bragging about his connections long after his 2008 conviction — from physicist Lawrence Krauss to former treasury secretary Larry Summers. There’s even fallout for Prince Andrew (again), because the files basically re-dragged every allegation he’s tried to deny since forever.
And the biggest gag of all? After all this chaos, Trump suddenly flip-flopped AGAIN and posted “we have nothing to hide” on Truth Social. Girl. Girl. If whiplash were a political strategy, this would be it.
So yeah: victims finally getting momentum, Congress having its “main character” moment, MAGA imploding like a badly inflated pool toy, and Trump? Well… it’s giving “sad day, babe.”
Justice is, like, SO in this season.
XOXO,
Valley Girl News
Where MAGA meltdowns are our cardio
