OMG babes, gather ’round, because the drama in Washington is, like, so spicy right now I almost burned my acrylics scrolling. So President Donald Trump basically woke up, logged onto X — formerly known as Twitter but still basically the same chaotic energy — and decided to accuse six Democratic lawmakers of sedition, which he literally said is “punishable by DEATH.” Like sorry, what season of Game of Thrones are we in again?
So these six lawmakers — Elissa Slotkin, Mark Kelly, Jason Crow, Chris Deluzio, Maggie Goodlander, and Chrissy Houlahan — posted this super dramatic 90-second video telling U.S. service members to, you know, uphold the Constitution and not follow illegal orders. Very “Founding Fathers cosplay,” honestly. And they’re all veterans or intel people, so they were absolutely giving “we actually know what we’re talking about” energy.
Slotkin’s caption was like, “The American people need you to stand up for our laws and our Constitution,” which is basically political thirst-trapping but for democracy. The video blew up, and suddenly everyone’s political career is levelling up like it’s Mario Kart.
But Trump? Oh honey, Trump did not like that. He reposted clips and was like, “SEDITIOUS BEHAVIOR FROM TRAITORS!!! LOCK THEM UP???” with the exact vibes of someone shaking a Diet Coke can and pointing it at the country. Then he went full caps lock Shakespeare and said this was behavior “punishable by DEATH.” Like sir, please log off and go hydrate — your caps lock must be exhausted.
Democrats clutched their pearls immediately. Chuck Schumer literally warned that Trump was “lighting a match in a country soaked with political gasoline,” which honestly sounds like the tagline of a Netflix thriller starring Nicole Kidman.
Meanwhile, Speaker Mike Johnson was like, “I don’t think Trump was calling for violence,” which is cute, because like… calling something “punishable by death” is kind of already doing that? But okay, King of Denial, go off.
Trump’s allies jumped into the group chat too. Stephen Miller was on Fox News calling the video “insurrection,” which is honestly wild coming from… well, Stephen Miller. Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth posted that this was “Stage 4 TDS,” because apparently diagnosing imaginary diseases is now part of national security strategy.
The Steady State group, which is basically 300+ security nerds who love rules, chimed in with a Substack like, “Hi, yes, refusing illegal orders is literally doctrine,” which is the academic equivalent of saying “um actually…”
Then Pentagon spokesperson Sean Parnell was like, “Our civilians give legal orders, these politicians are out of their minds,” which is the most Pentagon way to say “can everyone chill?”
But seriously, this whole thing is like the world’s worst reality show reboot:
“America: 2025—Who’s Committing Sedition Today?”
Anyway babes, stay hydrated, stay cute, and maybe stay off X unless you want blood pressure levels higher than Taylor Swift ticket prices.
XOXO,
Valley Girl News
Where… was this energy when people were arguing about wearing masks in 2020?
