Oh. My. God. Canadian politics right now is basically Mean Girls, but instead of Regina George losing her crown, it’s Pierre P. watching his MPs grab their coats, blow him a little kiss, and hop straight into Mark Carney’s very well-lit, very smug Liberal limo.
This week’s plot twist? Conservative MP Matt Jeneroux, Alberta boy, Edmonton Riverbend rep, and former Team Poilievre ride-or-die, just fully crossed the floor to the Liberals. Like, didn’t even soft-launch it. One minute he’s “I’m leaving politics to focus on my family,” the next he’s sitting beside the Prime Minister talking about global ruptures and coalition-building like he just discovered international relations on TikTok. Gross!
And honestly? This isn’t even shocking anymore. This is the third Conservative MP to ditch Pierre P. since November. At this point, the Conservative caucus is starting to feel less like a team and more like a waiting room where everyone’s quietly Googling “how to switch parties without it being awkward.”
Meanwhile, Mark Carney is over here collecting floor-crossers like Pokémon. Michael Ma? Caught. Chris d’Entremont? Caught. Matt Jeneroux? Caught, tagged, and immediately promoted to “special adviser on economic and security partnerships.” Unpaid, sure—but still. That’s not politics, that’s flirtation with benefits.
Carney keeps insisting he’s “not a politician,” which is honestly the funniest part, because this man is playing the game like he’s been doing it since birth. He smiles. He jokes. He invites Conservatives onto the stage like, “Oh hiiii, didn’t see you there—welcome to the winning side.” Diabolical. Chic. Effortless.
And Pierre P.? Babe. He is not coping. His response to Jeneroux’s defection was to accuse him of “betraying” voters who wanted affordable food, safe streets, and a strong resource sector. Which is rich, because somehow none of those things have materialized under Poilievre’s very loud, very angry vibes-based leadership either. Screaming about carbon taxes doesn’t magically lower grocery bills, sweetie.
Then there’s the bigger issue: the Conservative Party is fully split down the middle like a bad haircut. On one side, you’ve got the MAGA-curious wing—MPs flirting with Donald Trump, calling Canadian outrage a “hissy fit,” and acting like appeasement is a personality trait. On the other side, you’ve got Conservatives who would really, really like their leader to stop embarrassing them internationally.
Poilievre’s strategy has been to straddle both camps, which—spoiler alert—never ends well. You either pick a side or you get ripped in half. And polls are already telling the story: Conservatives are tanking, Liberals are cruising, and Poilievre is trailing Mark Carney by margins that would make a spin doctor cry.
Every time Trump opens his mouth, the Liberals go up and the Conservatives spiral harder. Poilievre can’t even say Trump’s name out loud, like it’s Beetlejuice or Voldemort or his ex who definitely still watches his Instagram stories.
Meanwhile, Carney is calmly racking up seats, stealing Conservative policy talking points, cutting the carbon tax, talking pipelines, and charming the absolute hell out of Canadians who just want someone competent to hold the wheel. Is he delivering yet? Not really. Is he spending money like a guy who swore he was a technocrat? Absolutely not. But politically? He’s thriving.
And that’s the gag: while Poilievre is yelling into the void, Carney is quietly assembling a majority like it’s IKEA furniture—piece by piece, smug little smile included.
So yes, Pierre P. still technically has the loyalty of his party members. But his MPs? His polls? His momentum? Very gone. Very ghosted. Very “it’s not me, it’s you.”
XOXO,
Valley Girl News
Where politics is messy, power is a vibe, and watching Pierre P. lose control is, like, totally a public service.
