So, like, Canada’s whole vibe right now? Total rollercoaster, and not even the fun Six Flags kind. Parliament is basically giving “messy group project energy” where no one agrees but everyone still wants credit. It’s, like, constant squabbling over who’s the main character.
This is Valley Girl News, reporting live from the cocktail lounge of Canadian politics.
And omg, Trump’s whole tariff drama is still hanging over everything like that one ex who texts you “u up?” at 2 a.m. Even when Canada’s trying to mind its own business, suddenly the convo’s all about trade beefs and whether we’re, like, protecting maple syrup vibes or just letting the U.S. stomp all over our cute little economy. Spoiler: everyone’s stressed, and not in the chic way.
Meanwhile, foreign affairs is giving total long-distance relationship chaos. We’re trying to be, like, chill and friendly with allies, but then Russia or China enters the chat and it’s like, oh-em-gee, do we even have boundaries? Defence people are out here saying, “we need to, like, spend more” while finance girlies are screaming “but the budget is already serving broke-core.” So yeah, super sustainable vibes (not).
Immigration? Oh honey, it’s messy. Like, Canada wants to be the nice girl at the party who says “everyone’s welcome,” but suddenly the guest list is too long and housing is basically like, “babe, there’s literally no space left on the couch.” And don’t even get me started on housing prices — they’re giving “exclusive influencer loft in downtown Toronto” but for, like, basic suburban bungalows. People can’t even find somewhere to live, and politicians are acting like tossing a few basement suites into the mix will solve it. Yeah, nah.
And healthcare? Ugh. Total ER meltdown vibes. People are waiting forever just to see a doctor, and the government is like, “we’re fixing it, pinky promise,” while nurses are literally running on iced coffee and pure survival mode. Like, Canada’s whole healthcare brand is “universal care, we’re so wholesome,” but rn it’s more like, “universal waitlists, good luck babe.”
Also, let’s gossip about infrastructure projects. They always get announced with, like, confetti and hashtags — “Canada 2050, slay queen, future ready!” — and then poof, nothing actually happens for years. Infrastructure is literally ghosting us, and people are like, “okay, but where’s the train tho?” It’s giving dating-app energy: big promises, zero follow-through.
And Parliament? Babe, the vibes are rancid. Opposition leaders are out here with clapbacks spicier than TikTok drama, while the government is trying to look responsible but keeps tripping over its own receipts. Every Q&A session feels like reality TV — lots of yelling, zero answers, everyone hoping for a viral clip.
And money-wise, Canada’s finance squad is basically maxing out the credit card while pretending it’s “strategic investment.” Inflation is being dramatic, groceries are basically designer-label priced, and nobody knows if the economy is serving comeback tour or final season flop. Like, is this a rebound or are we doomed? Mood unclear.
So yeah, babe — that’s Canada right now. Re-engineering. Trade drama, messy Parliament vibes, housing heartbreak, health care chaos, defence dilemmas, finance freakouts, and Trump lurking in the group chat like an uninvited troll. Basically? It’s giving “too much” but also “can’t look away.”
Canada rn is like if your fave reality show dropped a surprise season where every episode is a cliffhanger and half the cast is fighting about chores. Like, exhausting but soooo binge-worthy.
End of transmission, Valley Girl News out
XOXO,
Valley Girl News
Reporting on democracy with a side of drama and a splash of cold brew
