So, babes, picture it: Anchorage, Alaska, Friday night. Trump and Putin stroll into J-B Elmendorf-Richardson like they’re co-headlining Coachella. There’s handshakes, flyovers, and sooo many reporters screaming “Ukraine?? Ukraine??” at Putin, who—shockingly—didn’t, like, answer. Total main character energy.
This is Valley Girl News reporting from Ted Stevens Anchorage International Airport baggage claim.
Here’s the tea: U.S. special envoy Steve Witkoff spilled on Sunday that Russia, for the first time ever, agreed to let America and Europe offer Ukraine NATO-vibes security guarantees. Like, Article 5-adjacent. Translation? If Ukraine gets attacked again, it’s giving “you mess with them, you mess with all of us” energy.
“We were able to win the following concession: That the United States could offer Article 5-like protection… it was the first time we had ever heard the Russians agree to that,” Witkoff said on CNN’s State of the Union.
Ummm, groundbreaking much?!
Europe’s like: Yas queen, let’s collab. European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen was basically fangirling in Brussels with Zelensky. She called Trump’s move “willingness to contribute” and said the EU is sooo down to be part of a “Coalition of the willing.” Think: NATO-lite but with EU sparkle.
Zelensky, meanwhile, was, like, cautiously vibing. He thanked Trump but was totally side-eyeing the fine print:
“There are no details how it will work… what America’s role will be and Europe’s role will be. We need security to work in practice like Article 5 of NATO.”
Translation: Cute promises, but receipts please.
Ceasefire? Ghosted. Remember how Trump was pushing hard for a ceasefire? Yeah, that got totally soft-deleted. Witkoff defended it, saying they’d moved onto “bigger things”—aka a full peace deal. Apparently they covered “almost all other issues” except the land swap drama, which is, like, the messiest part.
Marco Rubio (yes, Secretary of State/National Security Adviser Marco Rubio—plot twist 2025!) defended Trump’s pivot, saying new sanctions on Russia are off the table because, like, sanctions are sooo passé and peace is the new black. But he admitted:
“We’re not at the precipice of a peace agreement… there remains some big areas of disagreement. So we’re still a long ways off.”
So, like, progress? But also, not.
Next stop: White House slumber party. On Monday, Zelensky and European leaders are jetting to D.C. to join Trump for a White House sit-down. That’s when the land swap tea might actually get spilled. Witkoff teased that’s where the real clarity could come and maybe—just maybe—a peace deal “very, very soon.”
And can we, like, pause for the Alaska setting?? It’s sooo random but kinda iconic. Like, Putin hasn’t been this close to Sarah Palin since she said “I can see Russia from my house,” and now we’re basically at “I can see NATO-lite from my glacier.” The vibes are equal parts geopolitical thriller and reality TV reunion special.
Spill the Sparkle Summary — Alaska summit vibes:
- Putin got his PR glow-up but shockingly said “ok fine” to Article 5-ish security guarantees.
- Trump pivoted from ceasefire to “full-on peace plan or bust.”
- Zelensky’s cautiously sipping tea, demanding receipts.
- Europe’s like, “omg we’ll totally collab.”
- The messiest part—land swaps—is saved for the White House meeting.
XOXO,
Valley Girl News
Geopolitics, but make it glam
