Okay, babes — buckle up, because Prime Minister Mark Carney just unveiled his first federal budget, and it’s giving serious “I’m not Trudeau, but I still like to spend” energy. The vibe? Less “free daycare for everyone!” and more “corporate tax write-offs and trimmed-down bureaucracy.” Basically, Daddy Carney is trying to convince everyone he’s fiscally responsible and a tough guy in a trade war with Trump.
So here’s the tea: Ottawa’s planning $89.7 billion in new spending over five years — but don’t freak out, they’re also cutting about $56 billion from the public service. Like, congratulations to every government worker about to be “offered early retirement.” The deficit’s sitting at a casual $78.3 billion, which Carney swears will drop by 2030. Uh-huh.
The budget is all about “countering U.S. protectionism” — which is code for “please don’t let Trump’s America eat us alive.” Carney’s pitch is that tax breaks and infrastructure projects will lure in one trillion dollars in private investment. His Finance Minister, François-Philippe Champagne (no, it doesn’t make this sound less fancy), promised this will boost wages by $3,000 a year. Which is, like, half a month’s rent in Toronto, but okay.
So What’s Actually in It?
The “Productivity Super Deduction” — because apparently everything sounds more important with “super” in front of it. Companies can now write off more capital costs right away, which Ottawa says will spark an investment frenzy in things like AI, energy tech, and resource development. Fingers crossed that doesn’t just mean fancier boardrooms and more buzzwords.
Bye Bye, Bureaucrats — The budget cuts about 16,000 public service jobs, including 1,000 executives. Carney says this is “efficiency.” Everyone else is saying “yikes.”
Luxury Tax? Never Heard of Her. — The hated tax on private planes and yachts is out. It was “too expensive to collect,” according to Champagne. Translation: the rich complained and Ottawa blinked.
Foreign Aid Gets Ghosted — Canada’s trimming $2.7 billion in aid over four years. Oh, and refugees might have to pay part of their own health care now. Totally the “kind and caring” vibe Canada is famous for, right?
RIP to the Two Billion Trees — Remember Trudeau’s tree-planting promise? Yeah, that’s chopped too. Literally.
The Carney crew says this is about rebuilding Canada’s economic “sovereignty.” Which sounds noble until you realize we’re now betting our future on the private sector — the same people who think “nation building” means buying naming rights to a hockey arena.
Meanwhile, Carney’s still trying to survive in Parliament with a minority government. He’s three seats short of a majority, and everyone’s acting like high school cliques. The Conservatives? Totally refusing to sit with him at lunch. Pierre P. called the budget “the most expensive in Canadian history outside COVID,” claiming it’ll raise the cost of “food, housing, and everything else Canadians buy.” The Bloc’s being dramatic, too. The NDP’s, like, “maybe we’ll abstain, maybe we won’t — ask us later.”
Oh, and right after all this drama, a Conservative MP literally crossed the floor to join the Liberals. Talk about switching teams mid-semester. Even that didn’t give Carney the numbers he needs. If the budget vote fails, we could be staring down another election. Because what Canada really needs right now is another few months of campaign ads and lawn signs.
So yeah — the 2025 budget is big, bold, and just a little bit chaotic. It’s less about helping regular people and more about flexing for Wall Street while downsizing Ottawa. Carney’s basically trying to be the dad who cancels your Netflix but buys himself a Tesla “for efficiency.”
XOXO,
Valley Girl News
Because someone had to read all 300 pages so you didn’t have to.
