— Valley Girl News, reporting from the frontlines of fab and foreign policy
Okay besties, gather ‘round because the tea from the NATO Summit today is, like, burning. The alliance is officially having the “can-you-even-afford-that?” moment in history, and the drama is sooo real. Like, remember when hitting 2% of GDP on defense was a whole struggle? Well honey, NATO just pulled a full-on glow-up and now wants countries to spend 5% on defense. Yeah. FIVE. Percent. Of. Their. Entire. GDP. Military budgets are getting more inflated than Kylie’s old lips.
This all went down during the closed-door morning session in Brussels, and apparently, it was tense. According to one French official (off the record, obvi), President Macron was like, “We are not at war, we are at brunch.” But then Germany basically said, “Fine, we’ll try,” but with, like, zero enthusiasm.
So, like, why 5% now? It’s all because of the vibes lately—Russia’s still being super aggro in Ukraine, China’s throwing shade in the Pacific, and AI drones are literally flying themselves. NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte (aka the dad who’s always disappointed) told reporters, “The world has changed. We must prepare for long-term competition and threats. Five percent is not a luxury—it’s a minimum.” Like, okay dad, we get it, but also… that’s, like, a lot of Gucci bags gone from national budgets.
Let’s break it down:
The U.S. is already over 3.5% and climbing, and Trump (who’s somehow in everyone’s group chat) is yelling on Truth Social that “Europe freeloads off America.” He’s basically threatening to ghost NATO if others don’t pay up.
Poland is, like, the overachiever in this group project—they’re already spending 4.2% and are like, “Sure, babes, we’ll hit 5% by next year.” Honestly, slay.
Canada? Oh Sweatie, Prime Minister Mark Carney has pledged to hit NATO’s 2 % military spending target in 2025, bringing forward the commitment by five years. Okay king, but where’s the money? Good news, per the recent Canada–EU agreement in Brussels, Carney said Canada would support raising the NATO target to 5 % by 2030.
The U.K. said they’ll reach the 5 % overall target—comprising 3.5 % on core defence and 1.5 % on resilience and security—by 2035 “if economic conditions allow,” which is Brit-speak for “nah girl, we’re broke.” According to Downing Street, the 5 % commitment is “projected” and will undergo review in 2029 during NATO’s next capability assessment.
France literally rolled their eyes and said their nuclear arsenal counts extra, so they shouldn’t have to go full 5%. Classic French energy. President Macron has emphasized a graduated approach, calling on European nations to raise their defence budgets to 3–3.5 % of GDP by 2030—not the full 5 % target—highlighting constraints posed by economic and fiscal realities.
So how are they gonna pay for it?
• Raising taxes? LOL.
• Cutting social programs? Yikes. Politicians are like, “What if we just didn’t?”
• Debt? Ding ding ding! Most countries will probably just swipe that defense card and hope inflation doesn’t check the bill.
Some are pitching joint defense projects to save cash. Like, military carpooling. Cute.
But like, experts are already saying the 5% target is “a benchmark meant to show strength”. “Few nations will reach it, but talking about it is the point.” Sooo it’s giving “vision board” energy, not “bank transfer” reality yet.
Bottom line, babes? NATO’s trying to bulk up their defense like it’s hot girl summer, but not everyone’s got the money for it. The alliance wants to look tough, keep Russia in check, and not be totally dependent on the U.S.—but hitting that 5% goal? Let’s just say, some countries are gonna need a side hustle.
Stay tuned, because tomorrow they’re talking troop deployments and missile shields. We’ll be here, with SPF 50 and a notepad.
XOXO,
Valley Girl News
